Summer, a Bleak History

Protip - don't take any of this seriously. I wrote this for shits and grins.

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Summer (the Spoony Bard) was always a normal (though virtually worthless since 3.0), bard. She happily gave her members a +1 to attack, shot into combat (often hitting her party members), and summoning fire beetles that exploded when anything higher than a d6 attacked it (they were filled with the raspberry jam of goodness!).

She worshipped Pelor, the god of light and goodness. As an easy going type, she preferred always taking the path of least resistance and letting her mouth solve problems rather than her rusty rapier and cross bow (she called herself a ‘willing’ pacifist, others just called her a coward).

In her free time, she drank tea and at crumpets at any party she could freeload off of (she was frequently kicked out), and annoyed anyone who wasn’t lawful good with her rantings ("Who cares about a beer volcano and a stripper factory in your heaven? We get to worship his Lightness five times a day!").

Needless to say, no one missed her when she was finally kidnapped off the streets for a sacrifice to some evil god. When strapped to a pentacle for the ritual killing, she complained about the darkness and the lack of drapes, eventually making the captor’s ears begin to bleed.

In the dark mages anguish (~crawling in my skin~), he evidently messed up his ritual, as the portal opened elsewhere than the Plane of Eternal Torment and People Who Talk In The Theatre (ran by Sephiroth with his screaming gay fanboys*). While he experienced the rare disaster of spontaneous human combustion, Summer was sucked into the void.

And thus, Summer was sent to 4chan.

Every second spent there was a lifetime within a lifetime of agony worse than any plane run by any demon (and they are rather jealous of that), and she quickly realized the only way to keep her sanity was to do the most horrible thing imaginable – to become one of them (except on Saturday, since that’s Caturday).

Eventually, with Cruise Control (and steering), she was able to escape. But the curse of that dreaded placed haunts her still to this day. She has lost all that she once was and is now what she must be – a /b/-tard. She knows that nothing is sacred, and treats everything with a sort of aloofnish – never caring unless it’s interesting (Or porn**).

With her haunting past, she can now be classified as a new class, one never seen before – Internet Warrior. Her battle cries become “Anonymous Does Not Forgive” and “Spoon,” and she is immune to all rick rollings. She swears so well it would make a sailor blush. She carries the biggest and most intimating weapons in order to show off – after all, she IS a camwhore. However, there is some shred of weakness left in her, as, when asked, “Tits?” she will GTFO (unless you’re her boyfriend, in that case, you can have all the tits you want).

When opposed on the field (and you want to fight honorably), be prepared for the worse. With no ounce of fear left in her, she will fight to the death – often running into you, point blank, screaming inelegantly, or a warcry, or “MUDKIPZ!!11”




*Sephiroth is gay. Didn't you know that?

**Dwarf porn, especially.

Hope you enjoy.

I'm laughing so hard right now I can barely breathe. XDD
This is definitely the best history of any character. Ever. You should have this put on a tapestry and mount it on your wall. Or, better yet, draw the history and have THAT put on a tapestry and mount it on your wall. ... or both. Possibly. >.>

TL;DR You sir made me lawl. So loud that I woke up half the house. You win a thousand internetz.

You can't see this, but my hats off.

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never caring unless it’s interesting (Or porn**).

However, there is some shred of weakness left in her, as, when asked, “Tits?” she will GTFO (unless you’re her boyfriend, in that case, you can have all the tits you want).







**Dwarf porn, especially.

I laughed so hard i nearly died and i'm undead...

also, that was a hat on orrins head?

ahat and a wig... I am actually 3 inches shorter and bald.

I'm glad you like it! I got done (of mostly done) reading a rather amusing book called "Good Omens." It has this sort of humor - a subtle, well written one. Kinda my source of inspiration.

nice [b]

A Bard who worships Pelor??? Inconceivable!!!


Nice story! Impressive.